39

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I’m in a reflective mood tonight. There is just one hour left before I leave my 30’s behind and embark on my 5th decade. There’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t stop the progress of time, and no matter how foreign the concept of life is to me sometimes, I can’t evade the laws of gravity and physics. I didn’t see this year go by. It happened in a flash. Probably has something to do with me sleeping through the better part of it. Then again, anytime the question of my age came up this year, instead of stating the simple fact: “I’m 39” I usually got into this whole game of “why don’t you try to guess?” and get a real kick when most people answered anything from “barely 20” to “early 30’s at most”. Yes, that was a nice ego boost. I liked being in my 30’s. I felt that no matter how challenging things got, I was finally more or less equipped to deal with whatever got thrown my way, while still being considered young and filled with possibilities. At times, this year has felt like one long mourning session for the decade that I liked best and which felt most like “me” (so far).

But now that my 39th year is about to come to an end, I can’t help but look back on it and try to figure out what it was all about. My 39th year was about resilience. I learned that no matter how bad things got, my survival instincts always won out, even if at times it meant sleeping for days on end to evade the painful thoughts that plagued me every minute of every day. I learned that even though I can be my worst enemy, I also happen to be the person I most enjoy spending time with, which in turn helped me tap into a pool of self-confidence I wouldn’t have known was there otherwise. I learned that though the path of least resistance is often the best way to move forward, putting in even the most minimal of efforts brings you that much further. I learned that I could give up my ambitions but still keep all my options open. I learned that if you ask for help, it will come in one form or another. I learned to ask for help (no small thing, believe me). I learned to make a truce with my body long enough to get into a bathing suit and enjoy a hot summer day in a body of water. I learned that no matter how selfish I can be, I really do want to help others and when I do, I really do feel like a better person for it. I learned a lot of things. In fact, it’ll probably take me the whole of the next decade to distill it all. Which is fine. Not like I have any other plans for now.

In terms of numerology, 39 has a couple of meanings:
The number 3 according to some interpretations stands for: Communication/interaction. Neutrality.
The number 9: Highest level of change.
3+9=12 1+2=3 (see above for interpretation)

Sounds just about right. The way I see it, neutrality is a good thing. It’s the closest thing to balance I’ve ever known so far... and from there one can go just about anywhere. As for change, I know from an intellectual standpoint that there has been lots of it but it will take me a while to recognize it since most of it has come very gradually and very very slowly.

We have a French show here every New Year’s Eve called Bye Bye. It’s a review of the year from a political, cultural and popular standpoint presented in the form of humorous skits. I don’t know exactly what my Bye Bye would look like, but I’m almost sure it would be painfully funny. And wouldn’t you know it, painfully funny’s a good thing in my book.

Pic: Spherical Planetary Nebula Abell 39

39

http://fromsmilerwithlove.blogspot.com/2009/07/39.html