“Eternity is really long,
especially near the end.”
~Woody Allen
November 30, 2008
November 27, 2008
Thirteen Things on My Mind Today [#30]
I have a lot on my mind today but it seems to revolve around a few basic themes...
1. Someone bought my scanner on eBay this week, which is great news! Only figuring out how to pack that thing securely and not charging an arm an a leg more than my misguided original quote to ship it is giving me a headache.
2. Waiting for the phone to ring any moment now. The guy at the UPS store said he’ll call me back. UPS sells packing materials. UPS also does the packing for you (if needed). And hey! UPS delivers too! Fancy that!
3. I think I’m finally starting to get sick of my cookies and apple crisps. They’re giving me heartburn now, which is actually a good thing. Makes them less appealing for sure.
4. Not sure if that extends to all sweets yet. I’ll still have to bake a banana bread tonight so I don’t have to toss out my bananas which will also be a good test to decide whether I should rule out all sweets or not. If my tummy still hurts after scrumptious banana bread, that means I’ll only be able to eat small amounts once in a while as opposed to pigging out every day. Gee, why would anyone want to do that?
5. I look at my body out of clothes and it looks fine. Curvier than ever and some might think I’m pregnant, while others would think Rubenesque but I’m sort of okay with it. It’s comforting in a way. But when I put on clothes, it’s a whole other story.
6. Speaking of clothes, I’m wearing my new cashmere sweater that just got delivered by the UPS man today. It’s soooooft. And it fits great now, and will just be looser later when everything shrinks back to normal. It’s a Chamois color which is a neutral somewhere between beige and brown. At J Crew they call it Vicuna which I thought was a made-up name until I looked it up. I want to start a collection and buy them in a whole bunch of other colors, but I’m exercising restraint. So far.
7. One reason I need to exercise financial restraint is I’ve decided it’s time to seriously upgrade my computer equipment. It’s been on my mind for a couple of years, but it’s a tough call to make. This eMac, given to me by my mom some years ago has been really great (and completely free!), and I still look upon it fondly, though it’s so slow I want to tear my hair out sometimes. Hanging on to it also means I’m stuck in the stone age and lost in the land of incompatibility.
8. As it happens, I walked into the new Apple store downtown this week and I’m determined to get the absolute latest generation of MacBook Pro. With all the bells and whistles. Up to 2.53 GHz, up to 4GB memory, 15-inch screen, loaded with Leopard and so much more, if I start listing all of it, I’ll sound like and ad. But do feel free to check it out here. oh yeah baby, that laptop KICKS ASS. How much bells and whistles I actually get will depend on whether I can get a great deal on eBay or not. I might have to “settle” for 2.4 GHz and 2GB (which is totally upgradeable). Yes, Macs are expensive but they’re just so worth it. I would have a serious identity crisis if I had to switch to anything else—I’ve been a loyal supporter and user for close to 30 years. Who said I can’t sustain long-term relationships?
9. I’ve never owned a laptop before. I wonder what it’ll be like doing stuff on the computer from all kinds of different locations and not having to sit in this same spot in my living room seeing the same things in my peripheral vision every day. If I were a cat, that much change would freak me out, but I’m not a cat, I keep reminding myself.
10. UPS guy sure is taking his time...
11. I have great music on my playlist, but all the folksy blues I listen to most of the time is depressing the hell out of me. I may end up finding motivation to go to the gym just so I can run to all those speedy groovy beats I’ve got loaded and ready to go on my iPod Shuffle. I don’t know if I’ll actually be able to run at first, but that’s beside the point.
12. I have to kick my own ass up that hill and go to that gym already. I mean... not right NOW, but like, this week. I’m really good at finding stupid excuses not to go. Like: #1 I have to buy a new lock. #2 they don’t provide a towel service??? Boggles my mind. #3 It’s such a depressingly ugly place, I’d rather go to my regular gym which is stunning. #4 No way I’m going to my regular gym with all this extra weight on me, have to go to a gym where I don’t care what I look like. See how that goes? Catch-22. Keeps me home and eating cookies.
13. I’m calling back the UPS guy.
After the call: UPS guy totally made my day. They’re coming over to pick up the scanner tomorrow since I don’t have a car, and they’ll pack and ship it, all for less than my original quote and with faster service too! Isn’t it great when things work out well? :-)
November 26, 2008
Sweet Sweet Victory
Yayyy. So. I’m totally dead tired, but I won. Yay me. Now I have my work cut out for me turning that thing into a readable novel, which will probably mean having to cut out half of it and then writing another 50-75K words (not necessarily in that order), but it’s all good. Off to bed for now.
November 23, 2008
On Writing, eBaying, and Baking Cookies
Sometimes I wish time would just sit down and take a rest once in a while. Even with all the time I have on my hands, I barely have time to attend to all the things I want to do on any given day. This month my biggest time gobbler is my NaNoWriMo project, but in truth it’s mostly taking up head space rather than actual time. I can sit there for two hour tops and bang out two thousand words with a minimum of effort, but the story is there in the back of my mind all the time. Thinking about these characters I’ve made up and wondering what they want out of life and where they’re going to next is quite an exercise when I can barely figure out what I’m going to be doing with my own life from one day to the next. Apparently, many writers enjoy playing God to their characters. According to every good writer I’ve taken advice from, I’m supposed to torture my characters and put them through hell, but mostly I don’t have the heart to make them suffer like that. So I’ve decided that everybody in my story has secrets so terrible that they hold on to them until they inevitably explode—or implode, depending on their temperaments—and only they can tell me when they’re ready for that to happen. I don’t know if that makes me a good or a bad writer, but I do know it helps to spread the responsibility around a little bit. Not for me playing God. How does he handle all that crushing responsibility?
These days I’ve had to make a choice between blogging or... novelling. And then there’s been that other thing which is “should I be blogging, novelling or... eBaying.” My stupid spell-check doesn’t want me to write the words ‘novelling’ and much less ‘eBaying’, but that’s just too bad, because when you’re as consumed by activities as I tend to be, you’re not just “writing an novel” or “selling on eBay” no. You become novel writing and your whole world starts to look like the inside of the eBay interface. I’d been wanting to sell on eBay for years, and there was always something keeping me from doing it. Mostly I thought it seemed too complicated, but when I finally figured out that there are loads of complete morons selling on eBay too, I decided why shouldn’t I join them? So my place right now looks like I’m the process of moving. There are boxes of every size with just one item in them just piling up everywhere, and all we’re waiting on is for bidders to do their thing so that I can put my old crap through the mail and make new room for all the new crap I keep bringing home. It’s a good system. Makes sense to me. Now I’m looking at everything in my place as a potential eBay sales item. Even my lovely Mimi who’s just now wrapped herself up in a leopard-print blanket with just her black tail sticking out. I think: “no how could I preserve this moment so I can write up a listing and sell it to the highest bidder?”. “Cat in a blanket for sale”. That’s kind of catchy, isn’t it? I doubt I’ll be making much money out of the whole eBay thing because they really kill you with all the necessary extras that end up costing an arm and a leg all in hopes that one more gadget is going to get more people to notice your stuff. It did occur to me that eBay could possibly help turn me into the next Mrs Fields with my yummy, crumbly, lemony oatmeal cookies, but I’d have to check first if they’ll put food on the bidding block. Which brings me to...
The recipe! Now obviously if I share the recipe, my cookie empire dream will crumble before it ever gets a chance to get started, but I’m not too worried, because the fact is I haven’t perfected the recipe yet. Which is why it’s taken me all this time to finally share it with you. As it is, this recipe is basically glorified apple crumble topping, and as we all know, apple crumble is... crumbly. Which is part of what makes this recipe appealing to me because I happen to like cookie crumbs, though I realize this aspect of these cookies will probably doom them to only a limited commercial success. I’ve gained many pounds, all in the name of concocting the perfect oatmeal cookie, and though I’m not quite there yet and there are more sample batches to devour, I’ll share my findings so far.
Delicious “Country Style” Crumbly Oatmeal Cookies
Ingredients:
1 1/2 cup oats (slow cooking is best but quick is ok too)
1 1/4 cup unbleached flour
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
2 tablespoons freshly ground flax seeds
2 tablespoons wheat germ
1 tablespoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon salt
chopped lemon rind from a whole lemon
3/4 cup butter cut into small cubes (room temperature)
Warm the oven to 375º. Combine and mix all the dry ingredients including the lemon rind until well blended. Add the butter and work the mixture into a dough. I do this with my (clean) hands because I like squishing the butter with my fingers, but most people will probably want to use a food processor for this. The dough should have a crumbly consistency, but should hold it’s shape when you form and handful of it into a ball. If it doesn’t hold, you will need to add a little bit of butter. You don’t want to use too much butter though because the cookies will be greasy (in which case, try adding a little bit more flower, 1 tablespoon at a time). On a large greased cookie sheet (or two smaller ones), form balls of dough and then press them down into thinner circular shapes, though the edges will probably be irregular—that’s fine. You can make these as small or as large as you want. The thinner the cookie, the more crispy it’ll be whereas thicker cookies will be nice and chewy—ideally you want the two textures in one cookie, so just press the edges down. Bake for 10-15 minutes, depending on your oven. The cookies are ready when the edges start to brown slightly.
A note about substituting ingredients: of course you can substitute whatever you want, but you won’t be making the same cookies! That being said, if you use bleached flower and want to skip the flax seeds and wheat germ (which add texture and nutrition!) make sure to use a total of 1 1/2 cup flour. I do feel strongly about substituting butter—which there is plenty of in this recipe—because nothing else makes baked goods taste so heavenly, but if must, use margarine, but just please don’t use shortening! If you want to use less butter, which is a binding ingredient in this recipe, you’ll have to add one to two eggs. This will make the mixture very sticky and you will have to use plenty of flower to roll the dough down and use cookie cutters since it’ll be too sticky to manipulate with your hands. This makes for less crumbles and a neater-looking cookie, but I like them more “country style” (i.e. crumbly and messy).
Let me know how it goes!
November 20, 2008
... and a little dash of suspense...
Without moving from where he was he grabbed hold of my ankle and lifted up his face towards me—it looked all red and dented from the rug and in this strange raspy voice he said “Help me... I’m dyin’ man!” My heart started beating fast...
More on fiftythousandwords!
November 18, 2008
Trying On My Thinking Caps
I’m sitting here in my new striped pajama pants—that would be a horizontal stripe—that I just got from my J Crew order, but more importantly I’m wearing a hat on my head. Not that it’s that cold at my place. And yes I am wearing a top, just in case you’re wondering. It’s not that kind of blog here. I needed to decide which of two recently purchased hats I should be returning—I don’t tolerate wool very well—so the best way to figure out which hat I can wear is to try them on for long periods at a time. Right now I have a gray cashmere hat on from J Crew—it’s sooooft, it’s a pleasure to have on, it barely itches my super sensitive skin but looks-wise, it’s just dull and gray. The other hat, which I’ll switch into right now actually, is made with super soft wool by SmartWool. Looks wise: way cute (see scan below) but yes, a little itchy after a while. Under normal circumstances, I might just keep both of them but I went a little bit crazy last week and also put aside a Harricana aviator hat lined with recycled raccoon fur, which a non-refundable deposit. In my defense, the showroom happens to be a block away from my place and I’ve had my eye on those hats for a good five years now, but yes, all that conspicuous consumption is damn near crazy especially considering that I lose sleep at night wondering what I’ll live on when I’m older and grayer.
I’ve decided I should take the saying “Let me put my thinking cap on” literally to see if wearing one of the two hats—or maybe both of them at once—helps me write my way to a better place with my NaNoWriMo novel. I’m not concerned about meeting my 50,000 word count since I’m doing great as far as that goes. Quantity has never been my problem as any regular reader of this blog must know. But this year, I started with a good story idea and I thought I’d take advantage of NaNoWriMo to help me dash off a first draft as quickly as possible, so I could then continue working on what would be my first novel. But for the past few days it’s been impossible to ignore that no matter how fun it is to write, my story is going nowhere fast. My writer mom has already sent me some great advice such as re-examining my characters and their motivations and also rethinking what made me want to write this story in the first place. I’ll be sure to give it a go—just as soon as the thinking cap has done it’s job.
In the meantime I’d rather goof around and try on clothes (that fit) and look at my My eBay page every couple of minutes since the bidding for the very first item I’ve put up for sale is ending soon. I’m praying for a bidding war because as it is, I’m basically giving that handbag away. In the J Crew order I got today there were two pairs of corduroy pants which I was sure wouldn’t fit—although I did order sizing to fit my current body and when I tried them on, they both fit perfectly. Which I can’t say about every other pair or pants and jeans in my wardrobe which look like they’re cut for a doll (was I ever really that small?) and even though I had said I don’t want to buy anything in my current size, the fact is I can’t be wearing yoga pants and sweats all the time (especially at work—hello?). But the moment I decided to keep them, the first thought that ran through my head was “Oh cool! Now I can eat more of my oatmeal cookies!” the second thought was “Yes, I will go run it all off at the gym soon enough”. And yes, I will share the cookie recipe on my next post, I’ve got the pics taken and ready to go.
Drawing taken from SmartWool logo
November 17, 2008
Trademarking ‘Ugly’
Because snow season is practically upon us, I’ve been thinking about getting myself a new pair of boots. And though I used to make fun of them because I found them so sloppy-looking, I’ve been seriously considering getting UGG boots. They’re those boots 
from Australia made with sheepskin and lined with wool which are supposed to be extremely comfy. Apparently they also breathe really well so you can wear them to the beach and stay cool while they can also keep your bare feet warm even in -30ºC (-22ºF) weather. They’ve been around in Australia and New Zealand for a long time where they’re traditionally called Ugh or Ugg or Ug boots, all generic terms meaning “ugly” in reference to the same type of sheepskin boot. They became a huge fad these past years when A to Z-list Hollywood stars and fashion models started wearing them to do their groceries or pairing them with evening dresses or whatever. Whether you’re and Ugg lover or and Ugg hater, they seem to be here to stay since they’ve gained huge mass appeal and are still selling like hotcakes. So far, just another consumer product, right?
Where the story gets interesting is that in 1971 an enterprising Australian decided to trademark the terms “Ugh-boot” and various derivatives of the word, and then sold the trade-marks to an American company called Deckers Outdoor Corporation, who then went ahead and created a trademark called UGG Australia. Of course this caused all kinds of legal trouble, especially when Deckers announced to Ozzie and Kiwi manufacturers that they couldn’t sell their boots using the terms Ugh or Ug (etc) anymore in order to market and sell their boots. Then Decker turned around and started manufacturing UGG Australia boots... in China (where else?). Of course, I didn’t know about any of this until yesterday when I went on eBay looking for a pair of “genuine” UGG Australia boots, assuming like most consumers that getting that brand was a guarantee that they were actually made in Australia, right? Ha. One eBay vendor goes as far as showing close-up photos of all the tags and labels inside the boots to show off that they indeed say MADE IN CHINA, which in this case, is a mark of authenticity: “Beware of copies” some vendors say when presenting their product “If they say their boots are made in Australia or New Zealand, you know you’re not getting a GENUINE pair of UGG Australia boots.” Isn’t China the place where they’re always making knock-offs of popular brands? And then... If it says “UGG Australia” and it has a “Made in China” label on it, but it’s actually a knockoff, does it make the Uggs in question more genuine than the Ugh boots produced in Australia? Talk about a mind-fuck.
I know it’s just a pair of boots. I know that if I want a pair of genuinely sheepskin boots made in Australia (or New Zealand) then I can easily find that too. But it’s just the principle of the thing. Pisses. Me. Off. I can’t think too long about the hundreds of thousand of people eschewing sheepskin boots made in Australia even as they’re buying into the whole Ozzie and Kiwi vibe, because the clever marketing people have trained them to buy a supposedly Australian product while FLAUNTING the fact that it’s made in China. What other “local product” are they going to hijack next??? It’s probably too late already. There’s no end to how far this thing can go. Pretty soon, NONE of us will be considered “genuine" unless there’s a firmly attached label saying “Made in China” sticking out of our butts. I’d rather not still be around when that happens, thank you very much.
As to whether I’ll still get a pair of Ugh or Ugg UGG or Ug boots or not be they genuinely fake or real and counterfeited... I haven’t made up my mind. It’s all become so complicated! I just want a pair of good boots! So I think that until further notice, I’ll just keep wearing my Pajar boots from two years ago. They’re not made of sheepskin, but they keep my feet warm and dry in our crazy Canadian winters and as far as I know, those are still actually being made in Canada.
November 16, 2008
Another Day Another 2K
“I followed her to the tv room where mother was watching one of her soap operas. I was standing next to, and slightly behind Edith feeling like a henchman from the mafia. My white minidress worn with green tights and a blue turtleneck belied just how dangerous I could be to mother’s peace of mind...”
35,254 and counting... things are moving right along. Sometimes I even have a little bit of fun, like when I end up writing these little bits shown here and on fiftythousandwords of course!
November 14, 2008
My Latest Playlist Addition
I’ve just purchased Eco, an album by Jorge Drexler on iTunes. It’s playing in the background as I write this. His song Todo Se Transforma brings to mind a Latin Jack Johnson, which makes for some very pleasurable listening. But although I love music and have an extensive playlist, things are very quiet here lately for some reason, so it’s quite telling that I’ve chosen to break the silence with Dexler’s songs.
I had never heard of Drexler until today when my DailyOm music newsletter profiled Eco, an album recorded in 2004 which, according to DailyOm “stands as the highlight of his career”. Born Jorge Abner Drexler Prada in Montevideo, Uruguay, Drexler followed in his family’s footsteps and studied medicine to become an ear, nose and throat specialist. But his love of music won him over and he released several albums from 1994 to 2004. In 2005 Drexler became the first Uruguayan ever to win an Academy Award. He was awarded for composing the song Al Otro Lado del Río for the movie The Motorcycle Diaries starring Gael García Bernal, a biographical road movie about the young Che Guevara. The organizers’ decision to replace Dexler with Carlos Santana and Antonio Banderas to perform Al Otro Lado del Río at the ceremony was the cause of some controversy and Dexler’s response was to sing a few lines of his song followed by a simple “thank you” when he received his award.
Dexler’s music is a rich blend of traditional Uruguayan music, Brazilian Bossa Nova, and mainstream pop among others, and combines to creates a smooth, rich and multifaceted experience. All this accompanied by Drexler’s soft and gentle voice (singing in Spanish throughout) makes for a pleasing journey, a sort of auditory road-trip along beautiful and unfamiliar scenery.
Here’s an excerpt from the title track. To listen to more of his music online for free, click here.
November 13, 2008
Thirteen Reasons I’d Rather Stay in Bed [#29]
In a conversation with my dad yesterday he commented that I haven’t posted about what’s going on in my life or how I’m feeling lately. My excuse is that I’m busy with writing my NaNo novel. But mostly I prefer not to examine my feelings too closely right now, and what better escape is there than sleep?
1. I missed taking my night meds (incl. lithium) two days in a row this week. Have no idea how that happened since I have a ‘foolproof’ system in place. As it happens, I’m also PMSing and my entire body is hurting. Sleep cures that better than Advil does.
2. As a consequence of missing my meds, I went into withdrawal which means, among other things, that I’m totally spaced-out. I’m back on the meds now, but it’ll take a few days for my blood levels to stabilize. Makes me feel like I’m a drug addict and it sucks.
3. I finally did go sign up at that cardio gym (hurray for me!), even though they have that retarded rule forbidding tank-tops. I promised myself I’d go the next day (yesterday) but of course I didn’t. Must sleep off the guilt. Must also sleep off the guilt of not going today either.
4. The gym is becoming crucial because I don’t fit into anything anymore, save for my yoga pants. I’ve caught myself wishing I could fit into my ‘fat’ jeans again. When I’m sleeping I never think about that sort of thing.
5. When I look at my body in the mirror, I think it looks fine. Even if I do have a belly that makes me look pregnant instead of my usual 6-pack (yeah, I’m totally exaggerating). Pregnancy is so not for me. Quick, have a nap before I start thinking about it too much.
6. Since I’ve spent the better part of my earnings on clothes (I know, that’s retarded) which are several sizes smaller over the past few years, I’ve decided I will not buy myself a whole new wardrobe (I think that’s reasonable). Sure, I have my yoga pants for now, which, incidentally, sure are comfy to sleep in but...
7. The plan we’re working out with my shrink, my psychologist and the insurance co. is for me to reintegrate my job progressively starting the beginning of January. I can’t very well wear my yoga pants to the office day in day out 24/7.
8. I hate working in an office environment. Hate is a light word. I have nightmares about it. One of the rare occasions when sleep isn’t the best solution.
9. My shrink canceled today’s appointment at the last minute. The same one I had asked to book in mid-November since I have time-sensitive issues I need to talk about. One of them being I don’t feel like I’m ready to go back to work yet. They’ve rescheduled me at the end of December, by which point it’ll be much too late. I’ve already left a message begging and pleading to let me see her sooner. Begging and pleading is frustrating and humiliating. Sleeping? (Almost) always comforting.
10. My psychologist decreed this week that we need to spend a portion of our sessions talking about work and how I am preparing myself to go back. I don’t want to talk about work. Don’t want to talk about work. Did I mention I don’t want to talk about work?
11. I know I shouldn’t be eating so many home-made cookies and desserts if I want to fit into my clothes again any time soon, but then if I regain my svelte body again, I’ll be able to fit into my work clothes again and then I won’t have an excuse not to go back to work. That kind of twisted rationalization makes me feel tired. Nap, anyone?
12. Things are generally going well with my NaNoWriMo novel, and I’m way ahead on the word count, but I’ve finally hit a slump and it feels like everything I’m writing is just stupid and meaningless. It seems like there’s no plot and that my characters are boring and unidimensional. I know it’s just a phase and I have to keep at it, but it makes writing—which is usually something I love to do—not fun at all. I figure if I sleep a little bit more, I might get better ideas?
13. There’s nothing like a soft purring cat (or two) lying next to you when you’re sleeping. It’s like a little bit of heaven.
November 12, 2008
There’s Trouble in Paradise
I’ve been mostly writing and not so much blogging as you can probably see. I’ve finally come up with an Oatmeal Cookie recipe that I think is fit to share (I hope). That will be coming up very soon—with a serious warning. You’ll see what I mean. In the meantime, I’ve just put up a new excerpt on my writing blog. Here’s a small sample:
“I froze in place with a half smile painted on my face to show mother how glad I was to see her. I was grateful that she was doing all better this morning but after what had taken place the previous night it was frankly spooky to see her so cheerful.”
To read more, go to fiftythousandwords right here.
November 9, 2008
Sounds Familiar?
“The next thing she knew, she was laying down in the field, shielded from the glaring sun by the tall grass. She was startled to see a white rabbit running towards her, but she felt too weak to stop him even as he hopped over her prone body and quickly looked behind him and then continued on his way...” I just couldn’t help myself. Only my heroine is named Iris, not Alice. To read more, go to fiftythousandwords right here.
Stuff On My Cat... & Stuff.
Feel free to submit your own captions!
Fritz likes wearing my socks. Just not on his feet.
Mimi says: “I keep losing my toys in there!”
Contrary to appearances, she ain’t no angel...
... but she chews up angels for breakfast!
I just finished submitting these four photos and captions to Stuff On My Cat and am pretty excited about this first submission. If you’d like to see the pictures on their site, you’ll have to keep checking in regularly—they’ve got plenty of other cool pics to see. They also had these totally cool t-shirts for just five dollars each so I got the women’s t’s shown here and with shipping the total came to 15 dollars which is less than I spent for a single t-shirt on sale on the J Crew site a few days ago (Shipping not included! I know I know... serves me right). I think I’ll be rockin’ in my Kitty t’s. Did I ever mention I like 
shopping? I find just about any excuse to shop: now that I have a second cat, I need stuff that I didn’t know existed before. Like a cat scratching post and a leash and harness for instance. The scratching post I’m still shopping around for because I’m still looking for the perfect one (made with sisal and not carpeting). As for the leash and harness... I tried it on Mimi twice and she basically just sat there on my front steps for maybe an hour until this great big fluffy gray cat came over and tried to make friends with her, which is when she decided we were done with our walk. I wish I had a photo of that. With her canary yellow leash she was quite a sight.
Another thing I didn’t know I needed before was a PediPaws nail filing system for pets. I knew I needed some kind of system because so far trying to trim Fritz’s nails is a nightmare. He screams bloody murder. Then he lets out these heartbreaking mews. Then he tries to attack me. And so on. I’d find the whole thing funny if it weren’t so unpleasant. So when I saw this stupid thing advertised on TV I got interested. And then a newsletter I receive from a vet recommended it, so I just went ahead and bought it, against my better judgment. The thing is supposed to be gentler for pets than traditional trimming scissors because of the rotating nail file which is supposed to “gently and painlessly file your Pet’s nails to leave them tri
m, rounded and smooth [...] The secret is PediPaws™’ precision emery filing wheel that gently removes thin layers of nail to leave your pet’s paws touchably soft.” It seemed affordable and it came with this ‘Shed Ender’ which was supposedly ‘free’ (ha!). Once on their site, the next thing I knew they were recommending a ‘better and improved’ model that was twice the price but “because it’s more quiet, your pet will appreciate much more”. So I went for it. Like an idiot. And then while they were at it they sold me extra nail files too. So when I finally got the stupid thing I noticed that the files were awfully coarse. I had my doubts but still I tried it on both cats. First I made sure they got familiar with the thing and the noise and vibration it emits but it was a disaster. I only tried it on one nail but they howled as if in unbearable pain and when I looked at the result, sure enough the claw was shredded and definitely NOT ‘rounded and smooth’. I HATE “As Seen on TV” offers. It’s ALWAYS a bunch of crap (though it’s the first—and last—time they reeled me in). I’ll for sure be getting whatever money back they’ll let me have. But here’s the catch: that bonus Shed Ender that was just an afterthought? Is actually pretty great. I’m sure plenty of people don’t return the stupid nail file just so they can keep the Shed Ender. I considered it too but at more than 50 dollars, I think I’ve been ripped off enough as it is.
So if you’re reading this and you’re still thinking: “hmmm... I should try it anyway” all I can say is enjoy your Pedi Paw SHREDDER. “Another full of crap marketing ploy brought to you by the same people who also try to sell you all the other bullshit items you’ve seen on TV.”
November 7, 2008
Seen & Heard
“Do you think a prince and princess live here?” I asked Edith. “Don’t be ridiculous, you’re such a child. A prince and princess wouldn’t come to live here. They’d live in Europe. Everybody knows that!”
click here to read more on fiftythousandwords.
November 4, 2008
Dreams Do Come True
The television’s been on with ABC’s commentary in the background all day. And just about a thirty minutes ago they announced that Senator Barack Obama had won the election. I didn’t dare believe it—surely that’s a premature declaration! Aren’t they supposed to recount the ballots first? We all know what happened last time around. But now, after having watched the live concession speech of John McCain—which was most gracious and very well written I might add— it’s just sinking in: Barack Obama is the President-elect, [live as I write this: “Florida goes to Barack Obama!!!”] the 44th President of the United States. Congratulations Barack. Congratulations America. Congratulations to all the citizens of the world—and I pray that Obama will be kept safe and benefit from all the support he needs in order to have the opportunity to effect the positive change he’s been promising us. I hardly dared to believe this dream could come true, and now that it has, I might start believing in them again too.
Dealing with Election Tension
“Caution: Quitting smoking too abruptly may lead to troubles of perception—this is how G. W. Bush came to be elected.” ~ Kad et Olivier, comedians
Sure, I may just be a Canadian observer, but today I feel at one with the people of America. I’m just as emotionally vested—on pins and needles, wondering in which way the popular vote will point us. Today of all days, I wish I was an American, so I could go cast my vote and make a difference. All I can do is sit here with that pit in my stomach and hope the majority will vote wisely. I can tell you I was nowhere near as concerned when it came to voting in my country, even though I went and dispassionately did my duty. But even though I generally have practically zero interest in politics, I seem to know more about American politics than I do about our own. I’ve been around long enough to know that the White House Big Boss makes a difference in all our lives, whatever nationality we happen to be...
Jimmy Carter was a prime example of that when I was living in Israel. He’s the first president I can clearly remember, since I was barely a toddler during Nixon’s term, and too busy with my stuffed animals when Gerald Ford was in office. By pursuing the Camp David Accords, President Carter managed to broker peace between Egypt and Israel—no mean feat—that made a big impact on my ten year old mind. Incidentally, this political situation create a work opportunity for my mother which allowed us to live in Tel-Aviv in greater comfort than I had ever known until then—a relative notion since we’d been piss-poor before that. No other American President since Thomas Woodrow Wilson and Theodore Roosevelt had been deemed as a worthy recipient for the Nobel Peace Prize which he was awarded in 2002 “for his decades of untiring effort to find peaceful solutions to international conflicts, to advance democracy and human rights, and to promote economic and social development”. This came in recognition of his good works as President, but also for founding the Carter Center and his key role with Habitat for Humanity. He had plenty of critics and detractors, but I believe no other President in recent decades has worked as tirelessly in the pursuit of world peace as Carter has.
What I learned from Ronald Reagan and George Bush Senior is that a substantial majority of Americans prefer to have lying cheating condescending father figures as leaders. Father figures who lie to them in order to reassure and appease them and who enjoy playing war games on their time off. It’s always been my opinion that George H. W. Bush was just a continuation of the Reagan administration. Apparently the people had not had enough after eight years of Reaganomics. Why the people chose to elect a former B-movie actor—a man who had acquired just enough skills to convincingly gloss over truths and tell outright lies which then led to his position as a spokesman for GE, for which he wrote his own speeches, exalting industry and big business—who chose to switch over to the Republican party in his 50’s, who had advertised cigarettes and co-stared with a chimpanzee as the highlight of his acting career... all that boggles the mind. How had this man established himself as a credible figure? Did people even care about that? Many of us asked ourselves this question for the better part of the 80’s. It was a testament to just how powerful effective marketing can be. And also showed that the voting public wanted to believe in a fairy tale. Both Presidents made themselves popular with promises of substantial tax cuts—the purported goal during Reagan’s administration was that these policies would have a “trickle-down” effect—by helping make the rich richer maybe the poor would also benefit—was the thinking. The fact that Reagan could propose this kind of bullshit policy with a straight face was a testament to the fact that his acting talent was still being put to good use. Following his economic policies, Bush was faced with a deficit which had grown to $220 billion—three times it’s size since 1980—which led Bush to renege his “no tax” election promise. Both Presidents pursued peace, civic rights and environmental pet projects which helped gloss over the fact that they were first and foremost money and power-thirsty warmongers (the invasion of Grenada shortly after threatening to attack Beirut, the bombing of Libya, the Iran-Contra Affair, the Invasion of Panama, the Gulf War). To think there are still those who consider these men as heroic figures just makes my blood boil.
I’m just going to gloss over what I’ve learned from Bill Clinton and George W. I should at least separate them with two different paragraphs out of common decency since I consider the first to be a human being made of flesh and blood, and the second to be Rosemary’s baby, i.e. The Spawn of Satan. but the truth is I’ve gone on for much longer than I had anticipated with this post, even in my attempt to be brief. The truth about Bill Clinton is that while I know his tenure was very eventful, I was too busy with my own life to be paying much attention. In the early 90’s, I was just beginning my career as a Graphic Designer, followed by bigger responsibilities as an Art Director, along with an active and disastrous dating life which left me little time or energy to pay attention to what was happening with the rest of the world. Of course, no one can forget the Lewinski scandal, thought what that essentially taught me is that in America, sex is the greatest taboo of all. One couldn’t imagine a comparable fuss being made over sex anywhere in Europe and it was hard to believe how many resources were mobilized in the ensuing impeachment and media circus. Many comparisons were made with John F. Kennedy—also a notorious womanizer—but can you imagine Monica’s stained blue dress being shown on TV during Kennedy’s time? I know I have a strong bias, but I do feel more secure with a Democrat in the White House. To err is human and no matter how politicians fuck things up sometimes, I feel there is less likelihood of a major war being declared by America (even though both WWI and WWII were conducted while Democrats were in the White House), and I know there are more likely to be serious measures taken to benefit health, social well-being, the environment, foreign nations... etc. There is bound to 
be plenty of controversy and maybe a scandal or two. Or three, but who has ever had a perfect record? As for W. Bush, I just want to rant on and on whenever I think about him. A little bit the way a person might get started whenever an ex-boyfriend or husband who happened to be a freaking passive-aggressive moron is mentioned. What I learned from W was never discount the bleeding idiot with a funny looking face who has access to daddy’s guns and who thinks he’s all that because daddy says so but annoys everybody except for the guys in his clique of imbeciles, because those can be the biggest sociopaths of all.
My parting words for this post will be: if you’re reading this and it’s Tuesday November 4th, sometime in the evening when the polls are still open and you haven’t gone to vote yet maybe because you can’t make up your mind, I implore you to go vote for Obama. If anything, please do it for me and other like-minded folks. He’s looking strong right now, but you can never be too sure.
Excerpt #6
“We went over to see the dog she was talking about and at first we saw a small chocolate brown Pug who seemed cute enough, with that ugly little face of his. He was lying down and when he got up and excitedly came to greet us, both dad and I were stunned to find that he had one leg missing. “But Edith he’s missing a leg, did you see that?” “Of course I saw it” she said, sounding vaguely annoyed. “Well why would you want to have a cripple dog Edith? Do you even know if he can walk?” “Look at him silly, isn’t he walking around right now? So he just has to hop around a little bit but who cares?” click here to read more.
November 3, 2008
Then We Completely Lost Interest
The reviews were many and mostly fantastic: “Hilarious” said Stephen King. “A masterwork of pitch and tone” said the New Yorker. “Then We Came to the End [by Joshua Ferris] is that rare novel that feels absolutely contemporary, and that rare comedy that feels blisteringly urgent” said Time magazine. The novel tells the story of the staff of a Chicago ad agency doing whatever they can to cope with the downsizing of their company. I had been looking forward to reading it but the one bit of praise—“The Office meets Kafka”—should have tipped me off. While I enjoy the occasional episode of The Office, it’s not long before I start searching for the TV remote—there’s only so much pettiness and stupidity I can take from characters because frankly, isn’t there enough of it in real life? It seems that the office environment, where many people spend the better part of their life, has become the fictional setting of choice for back-stabbing, romance and slapstick alike. There is almost a full chapter devoted to who the rightful owner of an especially comfortable office chair must be, after it’s been filched back and forth a few times and has seemingly become the cause for the most recent firing. Much is made about the “tricky-to-pull-off first-person plural” and how effective it was in telling this particular story, but it just got on my nerves because amongst other things I felt I was being included against my will and for the two and a half chapters that I was reading this book, I was reminded of the stuff my nightmares are made of. I didn’t care about these people, who seemed to me like those countless faces you see behind their cubicles and stay away from because you know they’ll be talking about you behind your back. I decided to end it right there with Then We Came to the End, and Next, I’ll Be Asking For My Money Back.
Excerpt #3
We owe a large debt to The Beatles in the Womphole household. Not only for their music but for the mere act of having existed which meant a few minutes here and there, sometimes hours, and on a couple of occasions even days of respite from our mother’s dictatorship. As she tells it, she was in the process of putting away some dishes that day when the segment came on and after a couple of minutes she had completely forgotten she was holding some plates which went crashing down on the floor but mother, even though she has always been what could be called a neat freak, didn’t so much as lift a finger to pick things up until a few minutes later when the segment was finished. click here to read more on fiftythousandwords.
November 2, 2008
Excerpt #2
I’ve never been able to figure out how it is that a woman as strict and paranoid as our mother was, could allow Edith and I to mingle with Iris and her large entourage—aka the Latimore circus... click here to read more on fiftythousandwords.
November 1, 2008
NaNoWriMo is ON!
Ready... steady... I’m done! Done for today that is. The goal is 1,667 words per day. I tallied in at 2,001 tonight. Pretty good. I’ve posted an excerpt on fiftythousandwords which is where I’ll be adding updates every day. Hey if I’m lucky, I’ll have a 50,000 word story that’s actually worth reading by the end of the month! (Fingers crossed).
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