On days like today, I take solace in the fact that "tomorrow will be another day". It's been gloomy outside all day. And now as I write this, at 3:59 on a Canadian wintry afternoon, the sun is showing sings of an early setting. The trees outside are slick with rain, their barren branches blackened by the moisture and the cold. The grass in the playground across the street is still covered with what was our first real snowfall of the season, although it's quickly giving way to a slushy liquefied state, adding to the general greyness of it all.
Winter is not a time to be living in the city, or at least not this city. The trees make everything come alive come spring and summer, but for the other half of the year, it looks unspeakably depressing and grey, greyer, greyest. Unless there's a snowstorm, in which case everything gets covered in a sumptuous white cloak which is wonderful to look at, but a heavy burden to bear for anyone looking to go about their daily business. There are no excuses here. We live in the great winterland after all. The show must go on, and yes, you're still expected to show up at work and the kids are required to attend their classes too.
And then there's me over here. Feeling sorry for myself. Not actually feeling sorry for myself so much as feeling utterly defeated. I'm not required to be anywhere but here at the moment. All I'm expected to do is look after myself and get better, not to mention swallow gobs and gobs of pills. Depression is like a very long, much overdrawn game of tug of war that you never asked to participate in, but were thrown into because the gym teacher decided that a player was missing and you were it, even though you know you're not up to the task. The same gym teacher who forces you to go running track when you're on the first day of your period doubled over with cramps and almost passing out with pain. That gym teacher.
And then you're holding the rope which is hurting your hands after the first minute already and there's all that straining and pulling involved and sometimes you team gets a small advance and you think you just might win it, and the next minute you're being dragged on your ass and it's all you can do not to let go because the rope burns are cutting into your hands and your teammates are expecting you to just keep pulling so they won't be defeated and humiliated all in the name of a stupid game you don't like to begin with. Imagine that for months on end. And the fucking gym teacher saying "Come on blue team! Get up! I said get up! Stop being such sissies and get back into it! I didn't say the game is over, and it's not over till I say it is!" And you want to go over there and strangle the guy. But you can't because if you do, then surely your team will lose and then not only will you be responsible for having killed the gym teacher, but all your teammates will hate you too and you're not sure which one is worse.
On days like that, I take solace in the fact that "Tomorrow never knows" and that tomorrow is filled with infinite possibilities. As is this moment, and the next on after that, and the next, and so on. And when even the effort of trying to see the bright side of things makes me angry and sad, I just remind myself: just. remember. to breathe.
November 20, 2007
Tomorrow Never Knows
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Homework:
1. Read the poem "Wait" by Galway Kinnell listed under poems in my Blog Topics section. It always helps me when I'm depressed. Always.
2. Remember you are not alone. Read my depression post from yesterday.
3. In addition to breathing, remember "the hours" that will steadily pass until you feel better, they will carry you, as described in Kinnell's poem
4. Do one thing to pamper yourself. Take a bath. Light a candle. Snuggle your cat. Watch crappo TV with predictable plots. Eat chocolate. Wait. Be.
Thank you Tiv. I hope I didn't worry you. It's just I've found that when I'm feeling down, it helps me to write through it. The writing itself is one of my greatest pleasures and the reward is finding I've written something that surprises even me. I will go read the poem now.
I like your gym class analogy. I've never thought of it that way. The gray days make it harder. I'm glad the writing helps. And Tiv's chocolate recommendation is good any day!
Great post.
This may sound over-simplistic (and it's not meant to trivialize any of this) but if gray days are difficult, maybe a lightbox would help. The kind people with Seasonal Affective Disorder use.
I actually really love gray days, but I know I'm in the minority.
momo: Tiv has lots of great advice to give. The tug of war thing came to my mind because there's moments in the day when I feel just fine and then out of the blue it just hits. And then fine and then not. Back and forth. I always hated that game. There. I've said it. :-)
Melissa: I happen to love grey days too. Usually I guess today is just particularly blah! And thanks for the advice on the lamp, but I'm afraid it wouldn't do much for me. Glad you enjoyed the post. I enjoyed writing it.
I suffer from PMDD, and when I had each of my children I had PPD that got successively worse with each one. This is why I will not have any more children. I love babies. But i do not love my hormones. Maybe that is my problem.
Drugs suck. I will not take them again, because I do o.k. with them for a while, but then something happens... a change in physiology, a change in stress levels, whatever... and they bounce me right back off the deep end post haste. But that is me. I'm wanting to get in to my OB soon to see about this birth control that is supposed to alleviate symptoms of PMDD.
Meanwhile I feel very similar to you right now. Last night I had a bit of a nuerotic breakdown. Mr. Muse only knows how to be minimally supportive. Unfortunately, it's just his personality type. he gets frustrated by things he doesn't understand, and this is most certainly something he can't understand even though he does try. And even more unfortunately he has a tendency to egg things on a bit without even realizing or meaning to do it. I tend to write a lot of poetry during these times.
I might start up another blog soon. I came across a project of mine from a while ago... my "happy thoughts" list so to speak. With it I also did some collaging using old photographs, greeting cards, magazines, calendars etc. I was thinking about starting up a happy thoughts blog, just to host a happy thought a day. I would be more than happy for a partner in it if you wish.
Otherwise hang in there. Maybe we can cry together.
Square1: writing poetry might be a good thing, but not for me because I'd just get frustrated, I have no talent whatsoever for it.
Just the act of writing feels good, but for some reason on this blog I don't feel at ease to just pour my guts out. It just doesn't seem like the right venue for that and I do try to keep the tone generally upbeat and inviting to a wider audience, if a tad impersonal.
I did just start up a new "anonymous" blog where I can do more journal type writing. Not decided whether I want to share that or not. And don't know what kind of writing I want to do there either. Don't want to be just whining and moaning, because that'll be even more depressing for me.
I like the idea of a collaborative happy thoughts blog. I always get more quotes and motivational-type things than I know what to do with. Maybe my friend Tiv might want to participate too? But yes, the idea is a good one. I don't mind starting it up and taking care of the template and whatnot since I have lots of free time on my hands.
I suffered from severe and suicidal depression for twenty-five years, and after much misdiagnosis and mismedication, I wake up every day thanking a benevolent Universe that I found a way to get on top of it without meds. I remember being depressed, much in the way that one might recall having been through a combat zone. Your analogy here is an excellent one.
I used to do something a bit odd when I was at my worst ... when I got up, I'd list ten things I was grateful for; and before I went to bed, I'd list ten things I had accomplished during the day. Sometimes, just getting through the day counted as an accomplishment. :-) But it gave me a bit of perspective when I was inclined to think I'd become completely useless. I was still living, and not doing a terrible job of it, no matter how awful I felt ... and it was good to remind myself that I had a home, a job, a mother who loved me, a cat to enjoy, etc.
Depression is so perspective-limiting ... I think that's the scariest thing about it.
I'm here to say I'm reading what you write.
SBW
David: thanks for sharing that with me. I've been struggling with this my whole life. I've tried doing it without meds. I hate meds. I was on a big health kick and doing really well. But then external pressures were too much and shot up into the stratosphere and then came crashing down again. I'm not saying one is easier or better than the other, but I do know for a fact that Bipolar disorder is harder to treat. And the thing that sucks the most about the meds, is that they take away the part that makes me glad to be me. They take away my natural highs when my mind can go in every which direction and just get tripped out on life. What's left of me now is just a shell. A shell getting rapidly filled up with pretzels.
SBW: I'm really glad to know you came and you read. Not sure why at all, but when I wrote that entry I was actually smiling. Just because it feels good to find words to name things. Even if the things are icky feelings. Or especially, I should say. To be able to turn them into a tug-of-war feels empowering. And I don't consider myself a real writer yet, and I know you are one, and I thought "yep, this is good enough to show SBW". For what it's worth.
Hey, I just belatedly joined NaBloPloMo and am clueless; come join me as a friend and explain this to me. It looks even more complicated than nanorimo!
ACK! I came to comment on your craigslist post, and it's gone!
That's great if you want to! I was going to, but if it would give you something creative to do, at least then Mr. Muse won't murder me for creating another blog. Oh my God! LOL!
Set it up however you want, and I'll join in whenever you're ready. And by all means, the more the merrier! I'm sure we're capable of generating all kinds of inspiration and optimism. :D
Square1: I don't know how creative I can get with it, since my understanding of HTML is very rudimentary and the available templates of Blogger are very limited. I'll do a search for other templates, otherwise I'll just tweak one of the available ones and that'll be it. Should be ready within a couple of day. I hope.
I have trouble adjusting to the shorter days of a Canadian winter. I need light to fuel my writer's passion. Indeed, I need light to take pictures!
You have a uniquely cool way of looking at the world. Must be your Montrealers' sensibilities. Reading your blog makes me miss my hometown that much more.
Carmi: I hear there's a high incidence of seasonal depression in Scandinavian countries where they get even less light than we do.
As for the writing, I wish I could read myself from another point of you and see what other people see. I just write as it comes. It's something I enjoy doing and mostly effortless, which is a good thing, otherwise I couldn't do much of it these days. One more thing to be grateful for I guess.
"I just write as it comes."
I love this statement, it says so much, and is one that I can relate to. I have enjoyed reading your blog, and will continue to pop in from time to time.
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